Unsexy...
“You’re a nice person, but…”
It sounds like a compliment, but… it feels like an insult and/or a rejection. Doesn’t it feel like that when you read it? I seem to get this line quite a lot in my life for one reason or another. The ‘but’ usually being followed by various things like: but… I don’t love you, but… I don’t like you, but… we’re not compatible, but… I think we should see other people, but… I don’t feel like talking, but… I’m not looking for a friend in a woman, (yes, someone actually told me that once).
This phrase although well intended has a way of shooting me right back down to the bottom of the self-esteem pit dug during divorce. I feel ‘not good enough’, ‘unworthy’ and ‘unsexy’. And I shouldn’t. Perhaps if I were a psycho-bitch instead of such a ‘nice person’ I would never be on the receiving end of such ‘buts’. What is that saying about ‘nice guys’ finishing last? I think that applies to women as well.
Here is a poem that I wrote about low self-esteem during my divorce. The ‘but’ phrase has a way of making me feel this way again and again and again every time I hear it. Alanis Morissette’s words are shown in the first stanza, mine are in the second.
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
so unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
so ignorant for someone of sound mind…
--Alanis Morissette
I am a rose that feels simple, colorless, ugly
wine that tastes bland, bitter, bruised
a book unread, forgotten, discarded
a balloon deflated, devastated…
every time you don’t look my way
my phone doesn’t ring
your hand leaves mine
each little rejection distorts the mirror
I’m unsexy.
OK… just for those of you who might comment and yell at me about depression… I’m not depressed! I just hate hearing that phrase and feeling like: ‘less than I should’. And this poem was written 3 years ago during my divorce. Besides, at this exact moment I’ve just received a strange and cryptic text message from my brother that states: “It’s all just about the Hokey Pokey. Relax.” I have no idea what that means or why he sent it to me, but I’m going to take his advice.
My Photos...
Believe it or not, even a few of us guys can relate to that. (I've had the "you're a nice guy, but..." phrase a few times during my life as well!)
In hindsight... And what I believe is the correct perspective, is that you've just been handed a gift. The gift is knowing where you stand with a person, rather than being strung along, only to find out months (years) later that the feelings are not mutual.
Does it hurt? Sure, it really sucks.
Attempting to find the wisdom in your brother's words... I believe he's right. I don't believe relationships are about stringing someone along and dumping on them when you feel it's convenient (and I apply that to friendships as well), so the "that's what it's all about" phrase doesn't apply in that context.
But, if you translate "that's what it's all about" into "OK, so this is the truth, it's time to accept it and move on... Then guess what? You're ready to move on. Sure, you stuck your right leg in and it didn't work out. Stick that left leg in, and move on.
Believe it or not, there are men out there that find kind, intelligent, and attractive (as opposed to the gold-diggin' Anna Nicole type, the type glorified by our society) as the kind of women they want to be with. Keep the faith.
Yes, I believe you are right... it is a gift to know where you stand with a person rather than being strung along. Even in friendships.
Wow...you're depressed. hahaha---had to say it. pphhhbbltllltt
The disclaimer paragraph was directed especially towards you! I knew you would say that! Brat!
Ummm - hello! Totally new blog! What happened?