A Baby Shower and a voice from the past…
Yesterday I attended the baby shower of my pregnant co-worker. And I got to see the baby’s room, which is decorated in yellow and lavender with white furnishings, and it was so completely adorable! My pregnant co-worker is from Delano, California and the baby shower was in Delano at her families home, so a few of us from Bakersfield car-pooled to the baby shower together.

I had fun watching my pregnant co-worker enjoying her party, enjoying her moment of celebrating her baby. I enjoyed watching her smiles in response to friends and families comments and I enjoyed her oooohing and awwwwing at every little adorable baby gift she opened. Like most traditional baby showers, there were baby shower games and the competition among the women in attendance was fierce, there were prizes at stake after all. This group of women out did themselves in the food department-- there was deep pit meat, rice and beans, pasta salad and two kinds of cake: a flan cake and a triple milk cake, both so delicious-- I completely forgot about my diet.

Even though I enjoyed my pregnant co-worker’s baby shower very much… I was reminded of what I am always reminded of when I attend baby showers. This is what I don’t have. I don’t have a baby. I don’t have children of my own. And I am reminded of the baby I lost back in 1991. And I wonder… what if my child were here today. And then I do what I always do at baby showers-- I put those thoughts behind me, because they are fruitless, and I ooooh and awwww at the adorable baby gifts, eat cake and smile.

And then at around 11pm last night I was reminded of the baby I lost again when I heard a voice from the past on my cell phone. It was the father of that baby calling me. A man I loved deeply. A man I haven’t spoken to, seen, or heard anything about in almost 12 years. My cousin had run across him and given him my number. His voice was exactly as I remembered it...

“He was nervous.” He said.

“He didn’t know what all to say.” He said.

He apologized for everything he had put me through and I listened.

“He hoped that some day I would be able to forgive him for everything.” He said.

“I already have forgiven most of it.” I said. “I do appreciate your apology though.”

“I really screwed up everything with us.” He said.

We talked for a few minutes. I asked him about his life. He asked me about mine. He called me ‘Sissy’, I had forgotten he used to call me that.

“I’ve always loved you.” He said before getting off the phone.

“Goodbye.” I said, as I was flooded with thousands of memories of our time together.

I sat down at the computer and began writing. Yesterday I rode an emotional roller coaster from Hate mail to baby showers, memories of a lost baby and a voice from the past I never expected to hear ever again... and its all made me the woman I am today.  posted by Matildakay at 2:02 AM