Gemini Twin
Gemini—the sign of the twins. I was born a Gemini. May 28th a really long time ago… I’ve never really understood or followed astrology. It just isn’t all that important to me. My girlfriend ‘Babe’ is very intrigued by astrology. She always asks people when their birthdays are or what sign someone is. And then she looks everyone up in this big book she has to find out all of his or her personality traits. What’s the point really? I just don’t get it.
I have this joke about being a Gemini that I tell people when asked my sign—“My ‘twin’ is off somewhere living the life I’m supposed to be living.”
Lately I’ve been wondering if that is more true than a joke. For surely my Gemini twin is out there somewhere in a wonderful relationship, possibly married, with beautiful children. That’s the life I’m supposed to be living. I’m not supposed to be divorced. Single. No children. 36. Alone. With yet another birthday looming in three months.
I could be stuck in my own
Sliding Doors moment. Somewhere in my life there was that one happenstance moment of ‘What if’. A moment where my twin and I split and started living separate lives. And I ended up on the path I’m currently navigating. I wonder which choice, which decision it was that caused this split. Was it the first worthless man I fell in love with? Or the second? Was it when I got married? Or divorced? Was it the day I lost a baby? Or when I couldn’t get pregnant? Was it leaving college to go into business with my parents? Or starting a business with my ex-husband? Or working for a boss I have no respect for? Was it moving from that condo to the house with the red doors to the house I’m in now? Was it the way I spend my money? Was it waiting for ‘him’ to love me when ‘he’ never will? Was it the day I stepped off a curb and dislocated my knee that took two reconstructive surgeries to repair? Or was it a million other tiny little choices I’ve made every day? One of those moments could hold the answers to my twin and I and our elusive separate lives. Or it could go back even further… to the day I was born. I was born in Bakersfield to no one known to me. Given away and adopted by two wonderful parents. I live a life I was taught not one I inherited. My birth certificate states May 28th as my date of birth, but this is a corrected birth certificate with my adoptive parents names on it. I’ve never seen my real birth certificate. Those records are sealed. And I can’t open them without suing the courts and proving a medical need for information. It was the 60’s after all, a time of closed adoptions… not today’s liberal open adoptions where all parties involved meet before the baby is born. I don’t know my nationality, medical history or if I have any siblings. What if I actually was a ‘twin’! It’s possible… who knows. Does being given away on the day you were born instill a sense of loneliness in a person that never really quite goes away? Does not knowing whom you look like confuse your self-image? Does not knowing where you come from make it more difficult to ‘fit’ in? Will my Gemini twin and I ever reconnect and live the life I was meant to live?
My Photos...
Before you get upset with me, I'm the first to admit that I need to this advice too, OK? My mother was a professional guilter / shamer, so I kind of get caught up in this sort of thing on occasion too.
I think it's easy to regret things you've done, wonder "what if", etc. It's harder to decide "yeah, some things about my life have sucked, but let's make the best of it and move on. I can say that whenever I have done that with both professional and personal problems I've had... I've been a lot happier and have a better outlook on things.
Some things just happen - people are jerks, and generally serve themselves without thinking of others. Is that love? No. Be glad that you've moved on, and are giving yourself the opportunity for better things in your life.
I've worked for companies that didn't care about the extra time I was putting in to keep their staff happy and their infrastructure afloat (yes, that's you ConHard).
I don't perceive this posting as "woe-is-me". (I tend to self-loath at times, and consider myself an expert on the subject, BTW.) However... I know you have a lot going for you - you're a attractive, strong (character), intelligent person. You have morals, and you care about others. (Mix those up in the order that sounds most appealing to you - there's a compliment in there somewhere. :) )
Let me end with a quote from the Grateful Dead:
"Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me;
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurres to me
What a long, strange trip it's been."
When I think about my trip... Wow, I've experienced a lot and learned a lot, and am a better person as a result.
You're doing just fine, MatildaKay. Hang in there... And thank you for sharing with us.
200 Tercel-- You always say just the right thing. Thanks! Love the Grateful Dead quote! And you're right... it wasn't a "woe-is-me" post, just one mearly of reflection I think.
I've pondered that same, "many choices, many paths" scenario several times in my adult life. I think it's a fascinating possibility. A series of choices that, over time, create a huge chasm between where you are today versus where you might have ended up based on other critical decisions made throughout your life. All of this for better, or worse, of course....
I definitely didn't perceive the post to be some sort of "woe is me" entry. It reads like a sincere reflection on the complexities of choice. Thanks for sharing something so personal and thought provoking. Another great entry from Matildakay....
My dearest Matilda
Of course there is something to it. Flower in the Dale is a Leo. The Queen Lioness, how could I deny that?
lolol
let's get back to funny blogs, like the time your cousin's melons fell on top of your head like coconuts full of silicon milk.
Don't you mean silicone? Silicon would give you quite a headache, wouldn't it?
I feel that way all the time. I'm a Libra and they're "known" as the relationship sign. Where's my freakin' relationship? What's wrong with me?
I hear you loud and clear Bake Town!
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