To blog or not to blog...
This has been the question on my mind all week. I haven't felt like writing-- I haven't been able to find my voice or rhythm. The blog format and its very medium of short prose has until now brought a measure of joy to my life. Has in some way been a tool of learning as I felt my writing improving and my style developing, growing and my understanding and awareness of an audience of readers having a presence. To blog is a good thing! But for me it's only one part of a much bigger project, my novel. Why Matildakay blogs is not only to explore questions of life, or to write about the local music scene, but it's a useful writing exercise for a novel that is still taking shape. A way to work with dialog and short scenes and characters and emotions and give them depth, humor and energy. The more I learn about writing from my 'writing mentor' and through the practice of writing in the blog hopefully the better my novel will be.

After suffering a personal public attack on my blog that left me feeling hurt, confused, angry and disappointed-- I began to think... 'not to blog'. The blogging experience had been tainted, somewhat ruined. Instead of feeling like an extension of myself, the blog was now a foriegn object with venomous tenacles. My blog is no longer a trusted space and will be treated as such. While I enjoy and welcome readers comments on my writing and content, it is necessary for me to change the commenting procedure. I ask that my readers email me their comments and I will post them for you. I have no issue with differing opinions, only with comments of a venomous personal attacking nature. 99.9% of all comments received will be posted for your viewing.

In trying to understand and find answers to 'why', there has been much contemplation, some soul-searching and discussions of writing. Discussions of how 'first-person' self-exploration styles of writing in novels and blogs can be construed by some as narcissism, while others are able to discern the merits of this particular writing style and find value in it. I find it very strange that for the first time in my life I'm actually doing something for myself, following my own dream of writing (instead of always doing for everyone else in my life and doing what I could to make all of their dreams come true) and I'm attacked for it, torn down for it. I write because I enjoy writing. I enjoy finding new ways, new words, and new metaphors to express myself and life.

I am very thankful for those of you, unknown and known to me, who have gone out of your way to offer me your support and encouraging words. I have received some great emails and have had some great conversations this past week. One such reader said:

"I'm looking forward to your return to the page after, what I hope to be, a brief hiatus. Take a stand against your detractors and show them that you are not going to let their venomous attempts to silence you do just that. You are a unique voice with an equally unique perspective. Make no aplogies and take no prisoners. Your blog rocks. Keep it up..."

"Here's to hoping that you can reclaim the place where you go to work out your thoughts, share your joy and express your pain in stories tailored to the page..."

Thanks to this reader for their encouraging words and for making me aware of their readership. Your words are like a MANTRA and I... I will continue to blog.  posted by Matildakay at 10:30 PM