Silence
Have you ever measured silence? Measured the height, weight, length, breadth, depth, space, degree, shape and poetry of silence? This house I live in is filled with silence. Sometimes I can hear the walls thinking. This silence is the territory of living alone-- it’s like a ghost that haunts me. This house, like me, yearns for conversation, sounds of children or a barking dog. There are times when I’d just settle for the phone ringing… It’s at these moments that I pick up the phone and call a friend.

“What’s happening?” My friend asks.

“Nothing much.” I say. “Just sitting here at home.”

“Everything ok?” My friend asks.

“Yeah, it’s just too quiet here.” I reply.

In the last four years I have learned to live with silence. I have learned that silence can push in on you from all directions. I have learned that silence can cause anxiety. I have learned that silence can also at times be embracing. I have learned that silence is tangible.

I have an overactive mind, I’m always thinking, analyzing, pondering, and contemplating issues, memories, and a myriad of emotions. The “what ifs” and “whys” reach out and choke the silence in fruitless interrogations. This ghost silence keeps its secrets-- even from me, its best friend.

There are things I do to combat the silence. I turn the TV on, or play music on the stereo. I turn on appliances like the dishwasher. I play my piano. I call my friends on the phone. And then sometimes I just have to escape the silence. Leave, and find entertainment, a movie, or a friend to hang out with.

Then there are other times when I bask in the silence. No TV, no stereo, no appliances or phone… just me and a book-- a mental escape into nether worlds.

And then there are moments like tonight… when I sit at my computer writing my thoughts and listening to music. Tonight I keep playing Robert Downey Jr.’s album The Futurist over and over again. In an online interview on his website the interviewer said to Robert Downey Jr. “I was reading a quote where you once said, ‘Older is essentially better, wiser, more communicative and self-confident.’” I can hear that in his voice, his lyrics and his music. I can relate to that statement myself… at 36 I definitely feel that is a truth. Robert Downey Jr. ends his album with his emotionally sincere rendition of Charlie Chaplin’s Smile. In another online interview on his website the interviewer asked: “‘Smile’ is the song that ends the album and you released it as a single in 1993. It seems to be a song that follows you around. Why do you keep coming back to it?” He replied: “I can relate to it…” I too can relate to Chaplin’s Smile especially on nights spent inside this silence with this ghost for company.

I’ll end this night as I do every other night… in a fight with the silence. I’ll lie in my bed staring at walls that think out loud and looking out a window watching tree branches move in the night while sleep eludes me. That is the time when the ghost silence is most prevalent. That is the time when I can feel its poetry…  posted by Matildakay at 11:58 PM