Reflections on 2005 and a look towards tomorrow…
I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on the end of a year that seemed to fly by in a moment. 2005 for me was full of many ups and downs, good friends, adventures, great music, writing and emotional challenges. It was a year where I tried to find my own way for a change…

In 2005, I had a dream of writing…

For the first time in my life, I pursued my own dreams. A dream of writing. This blog is a result of part of that dream. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing this blog and expressing myself in the blog format. I’ve enjoyed learning more about writing through the sheer practice of doing it. I’ve enjoyed the interaction between my readers and other bloggers. I’ve enjoyed receiving emails, and comments from readers regarding something I’ve written they found funny or moving in some way. I have become completely addicted to reading blogs and am constantly searching for new bloggers/writers that touch me in some way when I read their work. This blog has had its moments of difficulty. At one point I thought about giving it up. Without the support of my closest friends and a few readers encouraging me to continue writing, I might have stopped. Thankfully I persevered, I continued to write.

When I started writing this blog back in January I had no clue what to write about. Finding topics was a bit difficult. My blog didn’t have a specific theme and it wasn’t specifically about the music scene, although I do write about my experiences in our local music scene and local bands I like. Eventually I figured out that my blog was about me; my thoughts, my experiences, and if I wrote about these things in a creative way, people might find it interesting enough to read. Now I look at the world a little bit differently and find things to write about on my blog much more easily.

I have enjoyed developing a few recurring themes or stories on my blog…

My crazy old lady cat neighbor and her dozens of annoying cats have given me a lot of fun material to write. Read the Annoying Cats series: Annoying Cats 1, Annoying Cats 2, Annoying Cats 3, Annoying Cats 4, Annoying Cats 5 and Annoying Cats 6.

My life in physical therapy due to two knee surgeries has provided me with some fun episodes to write. I do so enjoy poking fun at my trainer ‘M’ who is a nice guy but actually says the outrageous crazy stuff I put in my blogs about him. Read the Physical Therapy series: PT 1, PT 2, PT 3, PT 4, PT 5, and PT 6.

And then in July I bought a laptop computer, which was the beginning of my computer techy and Internet connectivity problems that plagued me for half a year. I used my blog as an outlet to complain about computer problems that I am not smart enough to fix. Read the computer techy problems series: Computer 1, Computer 2, Computer 3, Computer 4, Computer 5, and Computer 6.

Look for those annoying cats and more Physical therapy stories in 2006 along with new themes that might develop. Hopefully there won’t be anymore computer problems even though they are fun to write about.

The most rewarding experience about my blog in 2005 has been all of the new friends and bloggers I’ve met as a direct result of this blog. Many of who are linked up in my side bar and some who don’t have blogs but were readers. It’s also been a great experience to be a part of thebuzzblogs.com. You all have enriched my life so much! I thank you for the difference you’ve made in my life.

My blog: One Bakersfield Woman’s Blog to Mankind, has undergone a few changes in the past year. The URL for this blog has changed twice. It originated in January at Livejournal.com when I revived a failed attempt at a blog from 2004. Then in March of 2005 I moved it to Blogger.com. And finally in September 2005 I bought the URL matildakay.com and my blog had a permanent home. A new design for my blog is coming in 2006...

Although there are many many blog entries that I’ve enjoyed writing over the past year. My favorite blog entry of the year is: Valley of the Crows.

I have also had fun tracking my readership and statistics for my blog. Back in February 2005 I wrote a blog entry called: Punk Makeup Envy and yet another past life about Karmahitlist’s front man: Punk-Rock-God Seantastic’s punk makeup look and how I had punk makeup envy. This blog entry has been the most searched and most popular blog entry I’ve written. Why? Because every day someone all over the globe is looking up punk makeup on the Internet. It’s amazing, but everyone wants to know how to do punk makeup! Not a day goes by where I don’t have the key words punk makeup in my stat counter.

It has also been a rewarding experience to watch my blog’s readership stats climb from 1 to close to 300 on my highest day. My unique visit goal for the year was 200, at the end of 2005 I not only reached it, I surpassed it. But it wasn’t until people began to come up to me and mention things I had written on my blog that I actually realized people were reading my writing. It is still hard to fathom sometimes that an average of 150 people are reading my blog everyday. 150 people are interested in what I’m writing, what I have to say. I would like to thank everyone who reads my blog on a regular basis for taking the time to read what I write and for returning to my blog. I would also like to apologize for those days when life intervenes and I don’t write anything new for you to read. I hope you all will hang in there with me in 2006.

The novel I started writing in 2005 titled: Killing Cinderella is the second part of my dream of writing. Although I am no where near finishing my novel; and NL, my writing mentor gets frustrated with me for not writing it fast enough, I’ve enjoyed what I’ve written so far. I’ve enjoyed learning as much about writing as I can from NL. I still have so much more to learn. Thanks NL for all of your support and encouragement!

Read excerpts from my novel: Excerpt One and Excerpt Two.

I plan to seriously get to work on my novel in 2006 and finish it.

Looking back, 2005 was full of emotional challenges…

I faced yet another chapter in my ongoing court battle with my ex-husband in my quest to collect my half of our business owed to me in our divorce settlement. Some people don’t understand why I don’t just give up; forget about the debt owed to me. They don’t understand that for me it’s a matter of principle. They don’t understand that it’s not just about the money. I owe it to myself not to let my ex-husband treat me as if I’m worthless, as if I don’t even matter. If they knew our story, my history, if they knew my ex-husband, they might understand why I continue to fight for my divorce settlement even though the debt owed to me can never be repaid with just money. I’m not trying to be vindictive. I owe it to myself not to give up, I owe it to myself to be significant.

Unexpectedly in 2005, an old love got back in touch with me after 12 long years apart. Our relationship had ended very badly and was never really resolved. Just talking to him, hearing his voice, brought back all the emotions of a love long lost. I relived the innocent unjaded love of my youth. I relived all the memories of the ‘graffiti splattered tragedy’ our love affair was. I finally got an answer to the question ‘What if we had stayed together?’ My life would have been so different with him. I would have struggled so much more, faced so many more trials. But I would probably have children. I’ve grown, changed so much since knowing him. I was saddened to find that he was still the same person he was at 26. Talking with him, I realized… I’ve outgrown him and our youthful love.

My Uncle passed away in April of 2005. His was the last death of many deaths in my family over the last four years. The grief just seemed to pile up in my heart and over flow like a gushing oil well culminating with my Uncle’s passing. I mourned my Uncle, my Great Aunt, and both sets of my Grandparents all lost in the last four years.

I turned 37 in 2005. So what! You may say, but I don’t usually do birthdays well. I don’t like them. I never have. Birthdays for me are filled with anxiety, uncertainty, low self-esteem and a sense of not being where I want to be in my life at my age. Let’s face it; I’m 37, single, with no children. That’s not exactly the fairy tale I dreamed about as a little girl.

Although I’ve always been curious about my origins, in 2005 circumstances made me more than just curious about who I am and where I came from. I embarked on a search for answers to these questions:

Does being given away on the day you were born instill a sense of loneliness in a person that never really quite goes away?

Does not knowing whom you look like confuse your self-image?

Does not knowing where you come from make it more difficult to ‘fit’ in?

What is my nationality?

What is my medical history?

And more importantly, what is my story?

I petitioned the court and the State of California for my original birth certificate with my birth parents names on it. While waiting for the judge to approve my petition, I asked my readers what nationality they thought I was. I enjoyed the responses I received from my readers. Some of your guesses were much different than I had always thought. The judge and the State of California granted my request. My original birth certificate had the name of one of my birth parents. Just one name. One name in a great big world. It’s a needle in a haystack. I still don’t have any answers…

There were other emotional challenges in 2005 that I won’t discuss in detail. However, I will say that I’ve dealt with bouts of anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. There were times I thought I was going crazy and others when the world looked better from a tire swing. There were times when being single got the best of me and I did my best to combat loneliness. There were times I was ostracized for being single, times I felt like I was constantly auditioning and never quite measured up, and times when I wondered what those I cared about were doing in the other hours.

Even though 2005 was emotionally challenging I think I’ve done alright…

However, 2005 was not all blogging and emotional challenges. No sir! There were adventures too!

In March 2005 I spent a few days in San Francisco with my parents before my Dad retired in April. It was a cheap little vacation for me because my Dad worked in San Francisco and all the hotels and meals were paid for by his job. It rained most of the time I was there but that didn’t stop me from getting out and exploring and having a great time. I had one of the most memorable moments with my Dad on that trip.

In July 2005 I went with friends on an impromptu day trip to the central coast and spent a wonderful day in a quaint seaside town.

And then in August 2005 I went on a great 10-day adventure to paradise, Maui Hawaii. There I survived the road to Hana, went horseback riding on a volcano, hiked an eco-adventure and saw the most beautiful sunrise ever imagined.

In 2005 there wasn’t a moment that wasn’t filled with music…

I have a great love for music. I am constantly listening to music. I relate to music emotionally and there are whole chapters of my life that can be explained by music. Certain songs will bring back memories and others lost love. Music inspires me, lifts me up, soothes my soul, helps me breathe, helps me form thoughts, and I can’t function without it. I play music all day at work, when I’m at home on the computer writing, when I’m putting on my makeup, and in my car. 2005 has been a year about experiencing and finding new music to love and immersing myself in the Bakersfield local music scene.

I fell in love with several local bands in 2005: The Filthies, the Dalloways, Norfolk, Karmahitlist, Mento Buru, Sioux City Sarsaparilla, Fattkatt & the Vonzippers, and Nunez being among my favorites.

The Filthies fun rural rock punk music is as good as it gets. I love their music and I love to watch them perform. I listen to their CD all the time and their music always puts me in a good mood. The Filthies made me fall in love with punk music.

The Dalloways California Dream Pop world is a melodic masterpiece. I’ve been completely brainwashed and can’t get enough of their music. I listen to their CD Penalty Crusade constantly and find myself escaping into their Neverland world of California Dream Pop. Amazingly, they are just as good live.

The first time I really heard Norfolk I was hooked. They are an outstanding band with an original alt/country sound that is Bakersfield country and they are great live. I want a CD of Norfolk’s beautiful music so bad I’m literally begging for one.

I fell in love with Karmahitlist the first time I saw them perform. Besides great rock music, they had something other bands didn’t have, great stage presence and stage performance. I loved watching Karmahitlist perform.

I’ve known Mento Buru’s music for years. They are one local band that has stayed together through the years and like wine only gotten better with age. Every Mento Buru performance is a great time and Ska-King Matt Munoz is a Latin balladeer that gets the ladies out of their seats and onto the dance floor.

Sioux City Sarsaparilla grew on me as they got better and better every time I heard them perform. Jimmy Holliday is a great songwriter and his smart lyrics and musical style are one of a kind in Bakersfield. I can’t wait until their CD comes out.

If you haven’t heard Bakersfield’s own rockabilly band Fattkatt & the Vonzippers you don’t know what you’re missing. This is a talented band that plays fun rockabilly music about Bakersfield and is featured at the Crystal Palace on a regular basis.

I’ve always thought that love songs are more beautiful in Spanish and Nunez illustrates my belief perfectly. He is one romantic balladeer singing beautiful Spanish poetry with a talented band backing him up. His music sounds like love to me.

These eight local bands are my favorites, but I’ve heard so many great local bands this year and I’m sure I will be adding more local bands to my favorites list in 2006. Besides finding great local bands whose music I love to listen to and write about, I’ve also made some friends and met some great people in the Bakersfield local music scene. Thanks so much to all of you for gifting me with your music and your friendships and allowing me to write about your music.

A look towards tomorrow and 2006…

I don’t know what the future will be in 2006 but I do know some things I would like to accomplish.

I want to finish my novel.
I want to end my long on-going court battle with my ex-husband.
I want to continue my search for who I am and hopefully find some answers.
I want to travel and have more adventures.
I want to get into better shape and lose 10 pounds.
I want to spend as much time as possible with my good friends and loved ones.
I want peace and so much more in my personal life.

Thanks to all of my good friends, especially nlbelardes.com and my readers who made 2005 a great year for me!  posted by Matildakay at 1:31 PM