Sliding memory…
As I get older I’m finding my memory slides like
sliding doors shutting out parts of my life while opening up other parts of my life.
I don’t know if its selective memory, or if I’ve just forced myself to forget whole sections of my life. But I’m finding that in relation to past relationships I can remember with certain clarity how they ended, but I’m having a hard time recalling the good times, trips we took, or even in one case that the guy had siblings. While I do remember that I loved them and why I loved them, or that I loved them in spite of all the reasons I shouldn’t have loved them, the little details seem to be disappearing from my memory.
I have to wonder if my heart is somehow involved in this process. In an effort to survive, to be able to love again, does my heart need to forget? And if so, why am I forgetting the good stuff and not the bad? Does it hurt more for my heart to remember the good stuff? In order to keep loving does my heart need to remember the bad endings?
Or, is my memory sliding like sliding doors recalling little details like scenes from a movie playing in my head. Details like spending lovely Sunday afternoons at home with my ex husband, making out with my first boyfriend in his car in front of my parents house, cooking Filipino food with the man I lived with in my twenty’s, a Vegas trip, or a day spent in a beachside hotel. I can remember those things. I can remember kissing each one of them. I remember conversations. I remember even as I’m forgetting or even as I want to forget.
But the endings… those I’ll never forget. Those haunt me. I wonder if remembering the endings is what makes me a stronger woman today.
And why is it that the longer I go without thinking of someone, the less I remember about that person? If I loved them, shouldn’t I remember everything about them? I mean I can remember whole passages from books I’ve read, lines/scenes from movies I’ve watched, details about Johnny Depp’s life, but I can’t remember the birthday of an old boyfriend. Somehow that doesn’t seem right. Why do those details get lost when moving on from past relationships?
Is it my heart… or is my memory just sliding a bit as I get older?
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Memory is a capricious bitch. It troubles me, too. For my part (and I'm older than you by a bit), I don't think it's age so much as the crankiness of memory. It likes to massage the pain, just like your tongue finding the place where your tooth hurts and going to it again and again and again. I can make myself soooo sad about certain past relationships, and then realize later that they were mostly good, but I go over the pain, and over it, and over it.
For me hypnotherapy helps. I've become quite addicted to self-hypnosis tapes from Glenn Harrold. It has taught me that new memories can be laid down, and that we can actually re-frame the past in our own minds so that we remember it differently, and better. It's like Good Housekeeping for the brain. Or at least that's what I tell myself...
Memory is a very funny thing - Selective for the most part. I don't believe it's age at all. I think you only remember the bad stuff because it's easier to hold onto the pain than it is to let go of it. It's also easy to remember all the good things because it is that you find the hope in accepting love again.
I've found at my age, 44, that as soon as you learn to let go of the bad memories, the pain goes away and it's easier to see love in front of you. And child, don't go and look for love, it just makes the search and wait feel so long. If love is meant to be, it will fall right on you like an anchor to the head. Believe me. My 1st marriage lasted 6 years and I was alone (dating here and there) until recently. I've been remarried now for 2 years and am happier than I've ever been. So stay positive and don't be too hard on yourself on the memory thing.
BTW, I love your blog. I read regularly but never feel comfortable leaving comments until now. Keep up the great work! I look forward to your book whenever you complete it. You should post a couple of excerpts when you have it available. I'm sure I can't be the only one waiting for it.
Regards,
Kayla
Georgetown Pirate - Thanks for the insight. You're right memory is a capricious bitch! I love that saying... :)
Kayla - Thanks for commenting and letting me know you're a reader. I appreciate your heartfelt words... I love putting names and faces to readers rather than just thinking of them as a daily statistic in my statcounter.
I do have two excerpts from the beginning of my novel found in my sidebar under Categories here...
My husband always tells me, "Why is it you can't remember what you had for dinner last night, but you can remember a specific conversation or situation from years ago!"
I tell him, "That's not true, I can remember what I ate last night. You're exaggerating"
He says, "Ok, what did you eat for dinner last night"
I sit there and think about it. I can't remember. hhmph!
I agree, it's not old age, it's just good ol' selective memory. Do I CARE what I had for dinner last night? Not really. Unless it gave me heartburn or something. LOL
I agree with you when you say it would hurt more to look back on past relationships and remember the good stuff. Maybe we that would make us MISS that old relationship. And would that really be healthy?
You hit the nail on the head when you say, "...remembering the endings is what makes me a stronger woman today."
I think this is my favorite of your blog entries! It's good to know I'm not alone! :)
First off, I don't recommend hypno-therapy, especially while driving. With your track record, you might smash into a car then suddenly think you're a duck.
Second, it's OK not to let go of memories. Memories make you who you are. You can hold then, cherish the good and the bad and still lead a healthy life, but you have to do so in a mature way. Temper tantrums and wailing love songs to the departed loves are a waste of time. Great novels that capture aspects of our life are a good thing. You can mesh fiction with reality and get resolution.
Then go find a cabana boy, tie him up and cook him over a slow fire. All will be healed then.
Just kidding. Make it a copacabana boy.
This is very powerful writing and I have to respond.
My heart is connected to my memory and I have always felt the mechanism that issues memories is there to protect and nurture the heart allowing it see good and bad on a as needed basis (thats on a good day). Some people who cant get over bad memories can wear out their own heart until they fade away into a sea of sadness or become incapable of emotion.
And now its time for heavy sedation (just kidding).
memories are funny. i never remember anything... bad or good... unless something sparks something in my brain. lol.
Thats soooo weird! I too have memories of making out with your old boyfriend and your ex husband is watching and he's rubbing Fillipino food all over my milky nips! Sorry......had to break the serious, it was making me sad! Now go find that copacabana boy dang.
I am that copacabana boy
I have found so many times I forget lotsa details and am so grateful to find I have written so much of my life that stuff then comes flooding back... through re-living the words.
The heart is always out for your own best interest. Our intellect at times messes with it.. .wants to stay in control.
And creating art from the pain always helps to soothe it, eventually. And it doesn't smell as bad as the burning copacabana boy.