Just keep swimming…
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…” Dory’s singsong advice keeps repeating in my head like a prayer.
You know Dory don’t you? That lovable, funny, adorable, Alzheimer’s suffering fish from
Finding Nemo. Her song has been playing in my head a lot lately.
Her song comes to me at
physical therapy on the leg extension machine. Where I extend my legs from a bent position out to a straight position trying to lift seven pounds. Every time I extend my legs my kneecaps feel like they are going to explode out of their sockets and the muscles and tendons around my knees shriek out in pain.
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…” I grit my teeth and extend my legs sixty times.
I move on to the elliptical machine. “Five minutes.” ‘M’ says.
Five minutes of my right kneecap moving in and out of its track, grinding on bones and shooting pain up my quad muscle. My legs feel like they’re going to fall off at the end of five minutes.
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…” I can do this.
“How are your knees feeling today?” ‘M’ asked.
“They hurt. But they’re better than last week.” I lied. They feel the same to me.
“Let’s skip the side to side step up and press today, we’ll give your knees a rest.”
“Ok.”
Skipping one exercise wasn’t much of a rest. But at least I wouldn’t have to feel like the muscles and tendons around my knees were ripping every time I stepped sideways on the step and tried to balance on weak legs while lifting ten pound dumbbells over my head.
I hate that exercise anyway.
Dory’s song comes to me on the two flights of stairs I have to go up and down several times a day at my office because there’s no elevator. Going up stairs is easier than going down. You would think it was the other way around, but it’s not.
Today I stepped off the landing at the top of the stairs at my office and my right kneecap felt like it was going to pop off. Pain washed over me.
“Fuck!” I froze.
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…” I stopped. I paused.
I rethought my descent down the stairs and continued one leg at a time without bending my right knee, the way I used to go down stairs on my left knee after knee surgery.
There are some days when I can walk for miles and hours without pain and other days when it hurts to walk a few feet. Getting up from a sitting position and putting weight on grinding knees, hurts like hell. I can’t sit on my knees. I can’t squat for longer than thirty seconds. Getting up from the floor is hard. Stairs are challenging. And so are a hundred other things where my knees are concerned. It’s been four years of physical therapy, two reconstructive surgeries on my left knee, and years of knee problems before that. My knee doctor said I have to be in a physical therapy program for the rest of my life. I’m tired. But I keep swimming.
I don’t usually talk about the kind of daily pain I have in my knees. I’ll occasionally tell my friends: “My knees hurt today” or “They killed me in physical therapy today.” But I try not to go into this much detail. I try not to complain. I just keep swimming.
So why am I telling you about my knees today? Because the last few weeks I’ve been struggling. My right knee is flared up. And I’ve been wondering if more knee surgeries will be in my future sooner, rather than later.
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”Sing it with me and Dory…
just keep swimming.
My Photos...
Sometimes I set "Bigger than my body" by John Mayer on repeat and listen to it over again. I need the encouragement; even if it's just from a CD player ...
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for ...
Keep singing!! We're not through yet. Not by a long shot.
I know exactly how you feel, except I haven't had "the surgeries" yet. There are times when I wish my knees WOULD explode, just so I won't have to deal with the pain any more, but then I think of all the activities I would miss out on if I were without knees. Those simple thoughts are what keep me going; especially when having to descend a flight of stairs-or walk down hill-or get up from the floor-or anything, really, that requires a lot of lifting, straightening and bending of my knees; repetitively. I wish you continued success on your recovery, and I also wish I could get that song out of my head...
One of my past loves described me as Dory-without-the-memory-loss. I love Dory, adore her.
"Finding Nemo" is one of my favorite movies of ALL time.
Sending you pain-free energy, dear Matilda Kay.
like you, i look to dory for inspiration too. she's so positive!
:) chingpea
You know what song inspires me like that? R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly from Space Jam. "....I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky. Think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly away....."
Thanks Jenraven, annie black, Julie Jordan Scott, Chingpea and JR for your words of encouragement.
Jenraven, I have to get that John Mayer song! Sounds like a great anthem.
annie black, Sorry to hear you have knee problems too, hang in there. And yes, I put that song in your head on purpose! :)
Julie Jordan Scott, I can see the Dory in you! I adore Dory too!
Chingpea, You inspire me! You have Dory's positiveness!
JR, I love that R.Kelly song too!
Holy shit, Matildakay. I knew you had knee problems but had no idea they were that bad.
Dammit!
Norma, Now you know why I wouldn't dance at Dia de los Muertos! :)
YES! Ouch! You'd mentioned it but I guess it just didn't register.
I thought it hurt like, "ouch, it's sore today."
Not like, "Damn, this is excrutiating. Somebody just shoot me now" type of pain.
Norma, Is there a difference? I can't tell anymore. I will say my pain tolerance is a whole lot higher than it used to be. :)
Sometimes I tell myself, when things get rough, to take life one day at a time...sometimes it's one hour at a time and when it's really rough, one minute at a time......
You are so courageous. Dory's right..keep swimming, and know that there are people who would, if they could, take your pain away...you are awesome!
I know a fraction of your pain. I've had some knee problems that flare up, mostly because the patella doesn't always track smoothly.
Trish, Thanks for your support!
Mel, Knee problems suck don't they. Last night I stayed late at physical therapy just to get hooked up to the 'zapper' electrical stimulation PAIN CONTROL machine. It was great for 15 minutes. :) Are you still being electricuted on a regular basis?
I won't complain about my terrible knee pain. I'd just get more hate mail. :)
First of all, this blog should be required reading for your physical therapist. I am a PT in Michigan and I loved your blog posting. What is your knee diagnosis if I may ask?
Jim
No more regularily scheduled zapping for me. Just needing to do more stretching and exercises between adjustments.